i read too. so here's something by me.
ok.
When I smoked a cigarette earlier today, I felt dumb. But I
feel like everything I do is just really dumb.
She wondered what it would feel like being on a hot air
balloon ride.
She thought about this one time she saw hot air balloons in
the sky on a postcard when she was at some generic gift shop on a generic
family summer vacation. She thought about how any activity that can be
displayed on a post card, advertising the appeal of a place was probably boring
in real, non-postcard life.
‘If someone mailed me a post card with hot air balloons on
it, I would feel indifferent towards them.’
‘I think I’d only
want to be on a hot air balloon ride for like 3 minutes. Maybe 4.’
‘I was just really scared of a bee. I swatted it away
because it was in my way, and then I was really scared of it.’
Her hands looked really fucked up. They were hard and
crooked and wrinkled. They were peeling and cut up. All the cracks were well defined.
She lit a cigarette.
‘I feel like I would know what feeling respected felt like
if everyone just left me alone.’
‘I want to sit in the direct sunlight for 10 minutes, 3
times a day.’
‘I want to sit down.’
She thought about someone, somewhere saying, ‘I want Direct TV’
and felt weird about that happening.
‘I called this lady at work that reminded me of my mom
‘dude’ and felt uncomfortable for 5 minutes.’
She thought about her life being 5 minute intervals of
feeling uncomfortable.
She thought about people that referred to themselves as
depressed and laughed.
‘’I’m depressed’ sounds so silly. ‘I’m depressed.’’
‘I mean, I’m depressed.’
‘Yea, so am I.’
She thought about people who liked to go skiing. She
wondered if anyone’s been depressed while they were on
their vacation, skiing.
‘So, why can’t we smoke on airplanes?’
‘I would tell people that they couldn’t smoke on an airplane
during a conversation, and consider that ‘relating’.’
She thought about mailing everyone she knew a postcard that
just said ‘bye’.
She wondered if everyone would think she was depressed if
she did that.
goodbyeforever
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